GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
