I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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