YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
