Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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