Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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