she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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