dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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