Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
