I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
