You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
