Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
