It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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