The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
