life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
