So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
