I accidentally had phone sex last night
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
