Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
