I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
