his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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