I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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