What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
