she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
