Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
