i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
