Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
