I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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