I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
