I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
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Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
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In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Fuck me I smell like cheese