I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
