I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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