so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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