she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
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Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
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this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
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