Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
