Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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