just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
