dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
