My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
