My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
