I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
