Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Randomize
