My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
