he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I think people are normalizing furries
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
