1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
