I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
a search helicopter?!
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
