I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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