Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it