im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni