I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
