I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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