He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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