I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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