theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
